I have been struggling to feel connected to people recently.
It is a frustrating feeling. To want more than anything to feel connected to my friends, and not knowing what’s stopping me from doing so.
It’s easiest, at first, to blame others. To make a running list of all the things that people are doing wrong, of all the way their actions lead to my growing resentment.
I don’t know why this is so easy for me. I don’t claim that to be the case for everyone. I am guessing that it is a result of things I was shown and taught growing up. Which means I can work to unlearn them.
What I recognized today is my part.
You see, in simple terms at least, connection seems to me about being seen and accepted by others. But as I spent most of the day (so cold, brr) hanging out (safely and at a distance) with some of my closest friends, I realized I was filtering myself more than usual. I felt more nervous about saying the wrong thing, about hurting feelings, about being misunderstood, or worse, hurting people despite my good intentions.
That all translates to this feeling, this realization that I’m not really showing myself. And if I’m not showing myself, people can’t see me, I’m not feeling seen.
It’s an unfortunate patterns, because the less I feel seen the less I want to show of myself regardless of why it started. This is something we spoke about at work once, these behaviors that push people away when what the person is really seeking is connection. I know that I need to put a conscious effort into showing myself. I need to share especially those things that worry me to share. I need to get out of this rut of feeling so disconnected and alone even when I am around people I love and who love me.
I feel sorely not enough this week. I feel too judgmental, too angry, too needy, too resentful. So I guess I also feels like all too much this week. All to say, I don’t feel like the me that I want to be. Perhaps it’s time I accept the me I am now and start showing her around. I have a feeling most of my friends won’t be too bothered by her. By not the best version of me.
And maybe when she, when I show myself and feel seen, I will get a step closer to feeling like a different version of me.
tmd 