It’s Been One Year

Below is an excerpt from a note I wrote to myself in the middle of December, at the end of a very difficult day. I’m not in that space any more now, thankfully. But my guess is I’ll be back. There has been a lot of talk about how challenging this pandemic has been for everyone’s mental health. I work in mental health and see the struggle every day. I wish every day that we had just shut down in the beginning, maybe isolation would have been shorter if we had, maybe the toll wouldn’t be so great. I love finding things I wrote in my past. I love the fierce kindness that I showed myself here.

...And it sucks that it’s happening at an already difficult time. And it sucks that there is SO MUCH going on for everyone but your brain keeps telling you it’s because you suck and there is something very wrong with you. It is hard hard work to be trying to convince your brain that the reality it’s building, while based in facts, is not the only possible  reality. And that it is heavily shaped by years of trauma and gaslighting. And that there are other possible realities that are much kinder—both to yourself and to those around you. And it is not easy to always be reminding yourself that you try to live your life leading with compassion and kindness and understanding. I wish so much that I could take this away for you. That anybody could. But this is your darkness. It is a part of you. Sometimes it takes up more space than other times. And while it is true that others may help you carry the load at times, no one can take this away. This is here to stay in some form or another at least for a bit. Can you embrace it? Can you face this part of yourself and say hey. I see you. I’m here for you no matter what. I’m sorry your emotional needs weren’t met when you were young and that sometimes that makes it really hard for you to be in relation with others. I know how hard and confusing it is to feel like you both really need other people and that you absolutely cannot count on them. I am sorry that you were shown for many years that you will have to walk this path alone. I gently remind you that you have also been shown otherwise. That there have been people over the years who have joined you for portions of the walk. That sometimes you forget to ask. And that sometimes you remember but it is really hard for you to ask because you are scared that they will say no or that they won’t actually show up for you. And that sometimes it is hard because you want them to walk for you, to fix you and things for you, but they cannot do that. They can only support you (sometimes A LOT) in doing that. I know that sometimes you feel that you are a lot (never too much). Sometimes a lot even for yourself. And that scares you because if you are a lot for yourself why would anyone else ever wanna take on that load. But you have to remember how incredible you are. You are a strong and magical being. You overcame so much goddamn shit from the people who raised you. You examine yourself and your life and work often to make sure that you and your life are aligned with your values....