There is a part of me, deep down in my core, that believes no one will ever love me.
I do a lot of judging of this part. I get annoyed that she’s so cliché. That she thinks she is so special that no one will love her. That wants to shake her awake and show her everyone in her life that does. That is dumbfounded by her. That wonders if there will ever be enough proof to convince her otherwise.
Today my mom asked me to consider “making my own child outside of marriage,” and that part of me heard “you’re never gonna find love, so if you want a kid, you have to do it on your own.”
It’s beside the point that I don’t want children.
I am thirty, I haven’t been in a relationship in a few years, and haven’t really dated in a couple. Apparently this is the time to start cutting my losses and considering life without a partner.
Don’t start with me. I know if push came to shove my mom would say that’s not what she meant. I really hope to any power out there that that’s true. But that’s not the point of this post. The point is, what to do with the part of me that believes this interpretation.
For a while, I’ve been trying to investigate her. Trying to find out where she came from (oh, I know). That didn’t get us too far. Aside from maybe my realizing that I didn’t have to listen her (that small part of me that is).
Then I was trying to convince her otherwise. I have shown her lots of data, organized in all different ways. It took a lot of work for me to gather. When you believe something, you tend to collect the data that support it and miss the data that doesn’t. She’s not been having it.
I am scared that if this part is always there, this will always be true. This is one of the (countless) reasons that I hate law of attraction stuff (the others are rooted in a lot of systemic isms). Scared that by having any piece of me that thinks no one will ever love me, I will indeed end up alone.
It sucks that I was ever led to believe this. IT REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY SUCKS. And it sucks that I really don’t know what to do to stop believing it. Cheesy as it sounds, I am trying to just accept this part of me. To love her after years of trying to understand her and prove her wrong and shush her.
PS I would love to hear my mother say, “Of course you will find love. No matter what you look like. Plenty of people love you. And plenty more people will. In our family. Outside of it.” I don’t know that I’ll believe her if she were to say it. But I guess it never hurts.
tmd 