Though I hadn’t posted about it, 2020, like the three years before it, came with a word for me. For 2020 the word was, is for a couple of more days, TEND. I wanted this word for two definitions:
- TEND – go or move in a particular direction.
- TEND – care for or look after; give one’s attention to.
After working for a year in an entirely new and different world for me (engineering to psychiatric residential care), I wanted to take some time to see where I tend to go in my new job. I wanted to use that to pick my next step.
And I also wanted to focus on and find new ways to care for myself. To tend to my needs. After finally having years of space from my eating disorder and a lot of what came with it (but not everything) I was feeling ready to gently expand the ways that I was caring for my body.
Well we all kinda know what happened after that. A pandemic swept the world and especially the United States due largely to a lack of apt leadership and any sense of social responsibility.
I was working a job that was essential and was happy to have a reason to be out of my apartment and in the presence of others for forty hours a week. And it brought a lot of stress. And a serious “who gives a shit about anything else” mindset to my life. During my workweek I was thinking about work. And on the weekends I was tracking the pandemic and following the presidential primaries and then local races.
Tending to myself was a no go. And looking for my tendencies didn’t seem valid any more given the unexpected shift of the year.
In October I left my job. Like anything, it had its good and its bad. I loved parts of what I did and most of the people I worked with. There were things that didn’t sit right with me. Eventually, I got to a point where I knew a breakdown was coming, and I decided to take care of myself and leave before it got there.
I tended to myself. I joined a bubble with four humans and four dogs to maintain a social life and some sanity over the winter. It was an oasis. It started off awkward. We hadn’t been inside with masks off in eight or nine months. Was it ok to hug? Should we sit far away from each other? But then we got into a rhythm. We hung out a couple of times a week–doing work, making food, watching TV, PETTING THE DOGS.
Ten days ago, there was a positive test at one of my bubble mates work places. We decided to quarantine separately. One of my bubble mates got sick. He thankfully is on the upswing. I have been alone in my apartment for ten days now. But my friends did a great job pivoting. We had gotten so used to hanging out outside in person, even in the cold and the rain. But we went back to virtual. We video chatted and did viewing parties. We worked on puzzles together virtually.
And I was really forced to tend to myself from a brand new place. From a place of–I want to take care of my body, so it can do it’s job if I do get sick. I started focusing on things like getting enough liquids and practicing deep breathing. I slowed down even more than I had when I left work. I let go of any sense of accomplishing anything, and just focused on caring for myself. Tending to myself.
It’s been eye-opening.
tmd 