Something really interesting has been going on in my life lately. Something that makes me wonder. In the past couple of months, I have had opportunities open up for me in the most interesting ways. Some are career related. Some are more about my personal life. But all of them brought to mind something I’ve been contemplating since 2017 when my word of the year was surrender.

You see, at that point in my life, the concept of surrender was totally foreign to me. I was used to planning, to being in control, and to believing that the only way to a fulfilling life is to plan and be in control. Of course, that was challenged at times. Like when I decided to move to Portland with the hopes of getting into a more creative field, but the only job offer I got was not creative and not so different from the job I had just left. I had a plan, but alas that’s not what turned out to happen. And when I got the offer I did, I was wary but excited. I had a good feeling about it. So I took it, even though it was not what I had planned.

The last two-plus years of my life have been a more intentional exercise in surrendering–ironically seeking surrender instead of letting it come to me. They’ve been an exercise in recognizing that control was at the very best a harmless illusion and at the very worst a lie I was using to hold myself back.

But in these two years, I kept struggling with the balance between surrender and action. Could I surrender and still work towards my goals? How can I be both an active participant in my life and passively surrendering to my lack of control?

And I think this week it dawned on me. Maybe.

I am starting to realize that surrender is more about trust than about not doing anything. Surrender is more about believing that there isn’t a right way, a right answer, a right path. It’s about recognizing that there are many paths and trusting that any path will lead you somewhere worthwhile and interesting.

The balance between surrender and action is that surrender is trusting that the doors will appear and open and action is trusting yourself to choose the one that fits you best at that moment. It’s also trusting that more doors will open regardless of the decision you make.

Before I started considering surrender, I was doing all the work. I was designing the door and getting the materials and building the door that I believed wanted to walk through. And I did it because I thought I was the only one that could design the right door for me. The thing was though, sometimes by the time the door was built, I didn’t want to walk through it anymore. And because I was so freaking focused on my door, and so sure that no other door would be good enough, I felt that I had no other options but to walk through the door I was no longer particularly interested in.

Now, I’m letting the doors show up and I’m considering each of them. I’m thinking about what feels right at the moment. I’m gathering information about each door. And I’m making a decision. And the doors keep showing up.

Just to keep it real, though, I don’t want you imagining me peacefully walking through my life by any means. I don’t think that’ll ever be me. I’m still anxious at times that I’m making the wrong decision. I still worry that if I say no to this door now–even if it’s something I think I might want in the future–I won’t get the opportunity again. I’m still scared sometimes that my life will not turn out to be worthwhile or interesting.

And I still keep walking. I still keep picking the door that feels right even through the fear. I still keep letting other doors shut even if I hope to see them again someday.